Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

JJJ realizes that his story was a little out of character
Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 01:06:13 pm EDT
Subject
A new, improved tie-in to Dancer's Parodiopolis Theater arc
[New] [Email] [Print] [RSS] [Tales of the Parodyverse]
 		Next In Thread >>


J. Jonah Jerkson provides a new, improved tie-in with Dancer’s story arc

[And he’s even writing it in Dancer’s script style]

Scene: J. Jonah Jerkson’s office high in the Daily Trombone building. The newspaper magnate is standing behind his desk, perusing a stack of blueprints laid out on top of his cluttered desk. His flunky, Norbert Krumm, is standing to the side holding a notepad and pencil, practically trembling in the presence of his choleric boss.

J. Jonah Jerkson, VOICE OF THE PEOPLE: Look at these plans, Norbert. The world’s biggest Slopp Burger restaurant, right in the middle of the Entertainment District at Fifth and Park. [points to plans] The new Slopp-Burger World Headquarters. A masterpiece for Jerkson Enterprises. See the purple lettering around the second floor? “Home of the Big Slopp and the Boysenberry Slopp-Shake.” Genius. A pity I’m too modest to claim credit for it. And only one week until we break ground. I’ll frontpage the groundbreaking.

Norbert: Er, um, sir . . . have you spoken with Mr. Sneek, your lawyer?

JJJ, VOP: He told me you had something to inform me about.

N [trembling so much the leaves of his note pad are shaking like palm fronds in a hurricane]: Er, well, sir, ah . . . you recall the building we were going to demolish . . . tomorrow?

JJJ, etc.: The old Parodiopolis Variety Theater. A firetrap. A vermin refuge. A homeless hobo haven. A place too good for Goldeneyed. Take this down, Norbert. “An Editorial, ‘A Sunbeam of Hope in this Parody War - Darkened World.’ Jerkson Enterprises begins the revitalization of Parodiopolis today with the spectacular, multiple-detonation, controlled demolition of that excrescence on our Fair City’s visage, the rat-infested, disease-harboring, curse-bearing Parodiopolis Variety Theater.” Hmm, what next?

N: Er, sir? [The notepad flies from his hands and lands near the doorway.] Oops. Well, what I mean [gathers courage and comes as close to a yell as this pitiful wretch can manage] YOU DON’T OWN THE BUILDING!

JJJ [eyes flaming, neck hairs bristling, and leaning forward over the desk with a predatory mien]: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON’T OWN THE BUILDING? Two point five million simoleons of the Mammon Fiduciary Guaranty Trust Bank's money says I OWN THAT BUILDING!

N: [Gulps.] It’s that Waltz woman. She somehow got into the Registry of Abandoned Property, and somehow a deed got found there, and, er, well, there’s just the tiniest cloud on your ownership.

JJJ: HOW TINY, Norbert?

N: Well, I wouldn’t know anything about law or anything; I’m just a clerk, really, Mr. Jameson, I’m just the messenger, after all, I mean.

JJJ: You tell me NOW or you’ll really find out what shooting the messenger means.

N: Here’s a 22 page memorandum of law from Mr. Sneek. It’s very well researched, really.

JJJ: FIVE, FOUR, THREE . . .

N: There’s . . . [very, very quickly] You don’t own it at all. Some waitress named Sarah Shepardson is now the owner of record. She paid $20.50 for it and paid the taxes on that amount. Don’t hit me!

JJJ [on it in one]: That Waltz witch you say? THAT MEDDLING, INTERFERING, ARROGANT, CONNIVING, SCUM-SUCKING, &%*^(*6$, UNETHICAL, FORNICATING _()&)^%*(%^ OF A BITCH! I’LL SHOW HER TO MESS WITH J. JONAH JERKSON!

N: Please, Mr. Jerkson, calm down, you’ll get an aneurysm.

JJJ: [opening desk drawer and removing ominous little black box with one big red button on the side] Aneurysm! Bah! I just spent $995,000 to rig it with enough carefully placed nitroglycerin to turn it into imploded rubble in 12 seconds! And here’s the detonator! [In a soft, amazed voice] Detonator? Detonator! [Pushes red button dramatically.]

N: AAAGH! NO! THE PEOPLE! HOW CAN YOU DO THAT!

JJJ: [Strolls to window to see explosion cloud.] Heh, heh. [Halts in puzzlement]. No cloud. No boom. Where’s the boom? I pushed the button to go boom. DAMMIT, I WANT MY BOOM!

Clara, JJJ’s current secretary [rushing in]: Now, now, Mr. Jameson, sir, remember what the doctor said. Take these. [Holds out two small white capsules.]

JJJ: Like hell I will. No two-bit Philadelphia lawyer is going to cheat me out of my rightful boom. [Brandishes the little black box.]

Clara: But remember, Mr. Jerkson, there’s a failsafe on that thing. It won’t work until Friday afternoon.

JJJ: [curses, then resignedly]: Fine, I’ll take the damn pills. [Takes capsules, opens desk drawer and removes fifth of bourbon, pops the tranquilizers and washes them down with a slug of bourbon] Well, at least this will keep me from another one of my massive strokes.

N: Oh, I’m so glad, sir. Does that mean you won’t be throwing books at me now?

JJJ: Just wait a minute, I’ll catch up with that. Clara? Get that shyster Sneek on the phone. Tell him he’s f***ed up again and I want that building back by Friday evening. The spectacular Jerkson controlled implosion is going ahead on schedule. It’s got to get into the weekend edition. [Clara rushes out.]

N: Do you think Mr. Sneek can undo what Ms. Waltz did?

JJJ: Imbecile! [throws book at Norbert, catching him in the shoulder. Norbert moans in pain] He’d better, or I’m going to run him out of town. Those pictures with Congressman Cornbury have been waiting a long time. Long time. [JJJ’s grin is eerily reminiscent of Lisa Waltz’s]

N: Owwwww.

J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People




Posted from U.S. Company
using Microsoft Internet Explorer 6/Windows XP
[New] [Email] [Print] [RSS] [Tales of the Parodyverse]
Follow-Ups:

Echo™ v3.0 beta © 2003-2006 Powermad Software
Copyright © 2004-2006 by Mangacool Adventure